So there are always two BIG weather stories in America: fires in California, and snow south of the Mason-Dixon Line. It never fails; those will ALWAYS make headline news across the country. I don't know what it is, but people are obsessed with how Southerners deal with the white stuff.

And it's because Southerners deal with snow POORLY.

Like REALLY poorly.

First of all, if you're running low on bread and milk prior to the snow coming, you are shit out of luck. There won't be any at the grocery store. Harris Teeter will not save you. All the wheat and dairy products within 100 miles have all been bought up by people who SWEAR that somehow there is a concoction made out of bread and milk that will enclose your house in a force field-like bubble, preventing the snow from ever reaching the ground. Furthermore, if by some act of God that snow DOES in fact fall at your house, using boiling hot milk and bread will in fact cause the snow to melt faster than the Wicked Witch of the West in a swimming pool.

Why bread and milk? If you lose power, the milk goes bad...unless you stick it in the snow, in which case your plan has failed; it's almost as though you WANT it to snow so that way milk doesn't go bad. It makes no sense. Why not buy peanut butter? Or chocolate? Or Lance crackers? People prepare for snow in the South as though it's a NUCLEAR winter, and not just half-an-inch-of-snow winter.

The funniest thing ever is to drive around before the snow actually comes. It doesn't matter if it's going to be barely a dusting, or an 8-inch dump (as was the case this weekend); if you drive on roads in the South prior to the snowfall, there will always be salt on the roads. NEWS FLASH - salt on the roads BEFORE the snow falls does nothing to keep the roads from icing. Absolutely nothing. The entire reason you put salt on the roads is to melt ice that ALREADY EXISTS. When no ice is present, salt on the road is as useful as more Twilight movies - which is to say, not at all useful.

Then the snow falls. Here's where it gets interesting, folks.

If school is in session at the first sign of snow, the entire school shuts down. Kids are sent home to be with their families in the waning moments of civilization as we know it, and hopefully they all arrive safely before the Apocalypse. Employees leave work early to avoid getting "snowed in" at work...because all the bread and milk is at home. It's as though the world stops to watch a beautiful death in the making - as though none of us can escape the impending doom that is but a brief snow flurry.

Once the snow is down, forget trying to go anywhere apparently. That 1-inch embankment will prevent you from leaving your house for at least 48 hours. If you are among the brave souls to leave your house, you will need all the basic tools necessary to survive in the wild winter wasteland -

1. Chains on your tires. This is not a joke; people in the South put chains on their tires. This is a standard operating procedure - if you live in the Arctic.

2. Cinder blocks in your trunk. For the added traction in the snow and ice. All 1/2 inch of it.

3. Six layers of clothes and three days worth of food. In case you can never return home EVER AGAIN.

4. A friend or family member. Never underestimate the value of the buddy system in the snow; you never know when you actually will need them to help you push your car out of a 1-inch snow drift or if you need to eat them in case you get stuck FOREVER.

Watching people leave their houses during the snow is one of the most ridiculous things to witness in the South. You would swear they were going on a three-month expedition to Antarctica, and were saying their last good-byes to everyone they know.

Furthermore, actually watching them drive is a real treat as well - unless you're within 20 feet of them. Then it's just dangerous. There are two types of drivers in the snow below the Mason-Dixon Line: there are those that drive 5 miles per hour, and those that continue to drive 5 miles per hour ABOVE the normal speed limit. Both are equally dangerous, and equally annoying. Consequently, if you listen to the radio, you will hear about over 20 accidents within a 5 mile stretch of highway...with less than an inch of snow on the ground (this is not a joke; this actually happened on I-40 when I was at UNC-Chapel Hill as a student).

So, if you're making a list of things to do before you die, here are some of the things you should have on there:

1. Go to New York City at Christmas time.

2. Build your own house.

3. Watch the Weather Channel for 24 hours straight as they give live coverage of the season's first snowfall in North Carolina, and make fun of all the poor imbeciles who can't figure out how to get out of a fishtail at 5 miles an hour.

Snow in the South is more fun to watch than the circus, the Harlem Globetrotters, and Britney Spears' relationship pattern COMBINED.

Seriously.